I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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