I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
