Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
