She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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