is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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