mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
