God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
