Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
