Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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