Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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