We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
