I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
