What did we do last night that was yellow?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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