Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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