Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
