I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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