why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
