she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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