1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I had to cum in my sink.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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