I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
