I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
