I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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