Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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