My friends, they love my intelligence
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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