Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
