Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.