If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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