Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
