At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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