I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
