I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize