i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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