I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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