Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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