I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
