Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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