i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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