Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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