Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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