There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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