The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
