Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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