Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
