now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
of course. lets lasso hookers.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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