My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
