Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
