I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
