what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
