I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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