i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
