She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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