I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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