OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
