there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
