Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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