Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I pour the whiskey from now on
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
