I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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